Creeps

Happy Friday! Oh shit, it's Thursday and I've made that mistake at least five times already today. You know what else is almost as disgruntling as remembering it's not Friday? It's that really awkward moment when some random creepy guy approaches you and the only thing you can think of is how to get out of the conversation. I hate it. Why can 't I just curl up and have the random guys who hit on me leave me alone? I'm putting my foot down! I've compile a fool-proof list of ways to keep the creeps away. 

1. Talk to yourself at full voice. Nobody wants to hit on crazy.
2. Cover yourself from the chin down. Guys only notice girls when their skin’s showing.
3.   Show off your personal style by dressing like a bag lady!
4.  Pretend you’re deaf.
5. Pretend you’re blind.
6.  Pretend you’re Helen Keller .
7.  Show off your personalities. All  of them. At once.
8.  Keep your face in a permanent, horrifying snarl.
9. Pretend to be catholic.
10. Actually be catholic.
11. Become a nun .
12. Become a man.
13. Loudly discuss your plans to move to Rwanda.
14. Develop a twitch.
15. Apply abstract expressionist makeup, à la Jackson Pollock.
16.  Avoid all social contact by pursuing an online degree in lunar engineering.
17. Bring up your third arm in conversation as much as possible.
18.   When he asks for your name, list the names of your 33 cats instead, because they define you more than your name.
19. Expound loudly on the benefit of vasectomies.

Special thanks to the beautiful, magnanimous, awe-inspiring McKenna Fitzgerald for providing the spark for this post. You rock!