This is Jean

MEET JEAN. Jean is a cat. Jean is my only friend. Jean always listens to me and she is made of plastic so she never coughs up hairballs. She also doesn’t need a litter box or food or water or anything really except for my unconditional love because, as I just mentioned, she is made of plastic. She’s made of a material that was probably engineered by a group of men wearing collared shirts with t-shirt sleeves and her plastic was probably intended for something really important like ball point pens or those training toilets they make for little kids. My mom told me not to put Jean in my mouth because Jean is made of plastic and all plastics are toxic. Also my mom said it is not nice to use your only friend as a chew toy. I named Jean myself. I could have called her Twinkie, because of the unnatural yellow-orange color she was spray painted at the factory, or Butt Face because her mouth looks like an anus, but I went with Jean instead. Jean is pronounced like the thing that Levi Strauss invented during the gold rush, not like a fancy French man. I named her Jean because it is normal to name your plastic cat after a type of clothing. I am looking forward to many fun adventures with Jean. Most people will think I’m by myself, but surprise! I am with my best friend, except my best friend is at the bottom of my purse hanging out with my spare change and gum wrappers right now. That’s some efficient transportation if you ask me. 

(just because my mom said not to doesn't mean I won't)

WIMB

Did anyone ever tell you that the eyes are windows to the soul? Well they were right…with one caveat: though it’s true that the window to a man’s soul is found somewhere amid all the muscle tissue and optical nerves, the window to a woman’s soul is actually located in her handbag, which often contains telling tokens of her housekeeping and beauty regimens.

My go-to bag right now is a woven tote that I found at a church thrift sale, and it's adorned with an indigenous woman surrounded by palm trees on the front. I really enjoy this imagery because it reminds me of the colonialism that made my beachy vacay possible. Nothing says “summer” to me quite like systematized oppression! I also really like this bag because it has a small zip pocket sewn into the interior. It’s really helpful for keeping little items in place! Usually, I toss my keys, and spare change in when I’m on the go. I also always keep a list of my allergies for emergencies (#haters, penicillin) and a moist towlette that I found in an airport bathroom in 2007 because I’m a huge freak about keeping things neat and tidy!

This tote is great for days on the beach or out and about around town because it is surprisingly spacious inside. Since I have an unhealthy preoccupation with apocalypse legends of yore, it’s super important to me to always leave the house prepared. For a night out with friends, I’ll always bring along my little first aid kit stocked with band aids (so handy when someone gets a blister!), as well as a rock the size of a small child’s head to hurl at potential attackers. My phone battery has been draining more and more quickly these days, so I make sure I've always got my phone charger and wall adapter, along with every other electronic cord I’ve acquired in the last ten years. Better safe than sorry!

I tend to get a bit peevish if I’m hungry so I make sure to keep a healthy snack with me on the go. Some people like granola bars or trail mix as a good source of protein, but I prefer barbecued turkey legs. There is something about ripping meat off a bone in public that curbs my hunger jitters in a way that rolled oats and chocolate chips just can’t compete with.

I’m cursed with feeling perpetually dehydrated, and to combat this I’m pretty vigilant about carrying water (in a reusable, eco-friendly, anti-global-warming, anti-conspiracy, anti-hole-in-the-ozone bottle) and lip balm with me everywhere. I have loved the EOS brand lip balms since I first saw them a couple years ago, and I came to love them even more once I realized that if you purse your lips while applying the balm, eventually your cute little egg turns into a little white nipple that soothes chapped lips. Anyway, I told my aunt how much I liked the EOS brand and she generously offered to make a lip balm for me herself! (My aunt is super hands-on.) Though it turned out her version is just a vaguely spherical glob of petroleum jelly wrapped up in Saran-Wrap, I love it so much because it is such a creative way to combat the power of capitalist marketing in convincing young girls like me that the best way to apply lip balm is using something that resembles a cheap white-chocolate truffle.

Like I mentioned before, this bag has tons of room, so some stuff tends to sink to the bottom where it is promptly forgotten by yours truly. This stuff is usually just little odds and ends like old gum or a button I never sewed back on my pants; I’ve since stopped wearing pants. Oh, and my pet gerbil. Sorry about that, Simon. 

Life lesson

improv4charity crew muggin'

Hey, hi, hello again. If you don't recognize me, don't worry. I'm not offended. It's been a while. Did you do something new with your hair? It looks nice. I’m sitting here typing like God dammit Alexandra be funny!! (and we can all see how well that’s working). I guess I could jump right back into posting the normal junk with no explanation for the hiatus, and people wouldn’t really care one way or the other, and that’s all fine but I think that there needs to be at least a little bit of explanation, if only for the selfish reason that it means I can put off posting something that requires more work. Also don’t you care at least a little bit what I’ve been up to? Sure, you do. I mean I know you’ve been dutifully keeping tabs with me on my pretty website, but that’s where I get to post photos with nice filters and this is where I get to let loose. So buckle up.

So this blog fell to radio silence on October 23^rd, a day like any other. And why did it fall to radio silence, you ask? A number of reasons including acute procrastination, loss of interest, loss of inspiration, loss of dignity, etc. Do I regret it? Truthfully, I do not. I’m really talented at creating multiple unnecessary side projects for myself which are inadvisable to continue during school, and this blog is unquestionably one of them. Now that school is out, though, I’m sort of trying to get it back up and running again but who knows what will happen??? Children, this is a lesson that nothing, not even a scheduled post to the internet, is predictable.

So where did I go in the interim, you ask? Was I pushed by an unfathomably powerful force into a vortex? Well if the force is schoolwork and the vortex is Berkeley, then yes, that is exactly what happened. (Also, Berkeley is the nicest vortex I’ve ever encountered, though stress levels run uncommonly high.) Since taking the plunge into said vortex, some cool stuff has happened. My hair changed color twice, and as a result I accidentally dyed my entire body green and then pink. (Martian invader or extremely sunburnt, you can take your pick!) I tried my hand at a comedy magazine. Then on a whim one Sunday evening, I decided I would audition for an improv team for a better fit, and by some random stroke of luck I made the team. Auditioning for improv4charity was one of the best decisions I made all year because now, I can be a contributing member of society by getting up on stage and making a fool of myself. I think this is the first time I’ve done something charitable since I donated cans to a food drive in fourth grade when I was bribed by my superiors with the promise of pizza. Now to get me to do charity work you can bribe me with much more adult things like the promise of companionship or, at the very least, access to free alcohol. 

Of course, college is not just about debauchery. It is about debauchery and learning. My studies did occupy me, including the time I decided it would be easier to get up at 4 am to watch a lunar eclipse than it would be to try and count the number of visible stars in a patch of sky the size of a quarter, the time my building’s trash shoot caught fire and I was evacuated until 2:30 am the night before a midterm, and of course the time I tried and nearly succeeded to write a 12 page term paper the day it was due (I ended up with 10.5 pages). College has taught me that I can be stupid to a point, and knowing this is pretty darn comforting after spending the entirety of my life previous to college being responsible to a fault.

What’s my point here? Stay in school, don’t do drugs if you don’t want to, tie your shoe laces, laugh a lot, and don’t expect too much from anyone. We’re all human, we all screw up; the bumps keep us engaged.