This is Jean

MEET JEAN. Jean is a cat. Jean is my only friend. Jean always listens to me and she is made of plastic so she never coughs up hairballs. She also doesn’t need a litter box or food or water or anything really except for my unconditional love because, as I just mentioned, she is made of plastic. She’s made of a material that was probably engineered by a group of men wearing collared shirts with t-shirt sleeves and her plastic was probably intended for something really important like ball point pens or those training toilets they make for little kids. My mom told me not to put Jean in my mouth because Jean is made of plastic and all plastics are toxic. Also my mom said it is not nice to use your only friend as a chew toy. I named Jean myself. I could have called her Twinkie, because of the unnatural yellow-orange color she was spray painted at the factory, or Butt Face because her mouth looks like an anus, but I went with Jean instead. Jean is pronounced like the thing that Levi Strauss invented during the gold rush, not like a fancy French man. I named her Jean because it is normal to name your plastic cat after a type of clothing. I am looking forward to many fun adventures with Jean. Most people will think I’m by myself, but surprise! I am with my best friend, except my best friend is at the bottom of my purse hanging out with my spare change and gum wrappers right now. That’s some efficient transportation if you ask me. 

(just because my mom said not to doesn't mean I won't)

WIMB

Did anyone ever tell you that the eyes are windows to the soul? Well they were right…with one caveat: though it’s true that the window to a man’s soul is found somewhere amid all the muscle tissue and optical nerves, the window to a woman’s soul is actually located in her handbag, which often contains telling tokens of her housekeeping and beauty regimens.

My go-to bag right now is a woven tote that I found at a church thrift sale, and it's adorned with an indigenous woman surrounded by palm trees on the front. I really enjoy this imagery because it reminds me of the colonialism that made my beachy vacay possible. Nothing says “summer” to me quite like systematized oppression! I also really like this bag because it has a small zip pocket sewn into the interior. It’s really helpful for keeping little items in place! Usually, I toss my keys, and spare change in when I’m on the go. I also always keep a list of my allergies for emergencies (#haters, penicillin) and a moist towlette that I found in an airport bathroom in 2007 because I’m a huge freak about keeping things neat and tidy!

This tote is great for days on the beach or out and about around town because it is surprisingly spacious inside. Since I have an unhealthy preoccupation with apocalypse legends of yore, it’s super important to me to always leave the house prepared. For a night out with friends, I’ll always bring along my little first aid kit stocked with band aids (so handy when someone gets a blister!), as well as a rock the size of a small child’s head to hurl at potential attackers. My phone battery has been draining more and more quickly these days, so I make sure I've always got my phone charger and wall adapter, along with every other electronic cord I’ve acquired in the last ten years. Better safe than sorry!

I tend to get a bit peevish if I’m hungry so I make sure to keep a healthy snack with me on the go. Some people like granola bars or trail mix as a good source of protein, but I prefer barbecued turkey legs. There is something about ripping meat off a bone in public that curbs my hunger jitters in a way that rolled oats and chocolate chips just can’t compete with.

I’m cursed with feeling perpetually dehydrated, and to combat this I’m pretty vigilant about carrying water (in a reusable, eco-friendly, anti-global-warming, anti-conspiracy, anti-hole-in-the-ozone bottle) and lip balm with me everywhere. I have loved the EOS brand lip balms since I first saw them a couple years ago, and I came to love them even more once I realized that if you purse your lips while applying the balm, eventually your cute little egg turns into a little white nipple that soothes chapped lips. Anyway, I told my aunt how much I liked the EOS brand and she generously offered to make a lip balm for me herself! (My aunt is super hands-on.) Though it turned out her version is just a vaguely spherical glob of petroleum jelly wrapped up in Saran-Wrap, I love it so much because it is such a creative way to combat the power of capitalist marketing in convincing young girls like me that the best way to apply lip balm is using something that resembles a cheap white-chocolate truffle.

Like I mentioned before, this bag has tons of room, so some stuff tends to sink to the bottom where it is promptly forgotten by yours truly. This stuff is usually just little odds and ends like old gum or a button I never sewed back on my pants; I’ve since stopped wearing pants. Oh, and my pet gerbil. Sorry about that, Simon. 

Life lesson

improv4charity crew muggin'

Hey, hi, hello again. If you don't recognize me, don't worry. I'm not offended. It's been a while. Did you do something new with your hair? It looks nice. I’m sitting here typing like God dammit Alexandra be funny!! (and we can all see how well that’s working). I guess I could jump right back into posting the normal junk with no explanation for the hiatus, and people wouldn’t really care one way or the other, and that’s all fine but I think that there needs to be at least a little bit of explanation, if only for the selfish reason that it means I can put off posting something that requires more work. Also don’t you care at least a little bit what I’ve been up to? Sure, you do. I mean I know you’ve been dutifully keeping tabs with me on my pretty website, but that’s where I get to post photos with nice filters and this is where I get to let loose. So buckle up.

So this blog fell to radio silence on October 23^rd, a day like any other. And why did it fall to radio silence, you ask? A number of reasons including acute procrastination, loss of interest, loss of inspiration, loss of dignity, etc. Do I regret it? Truthfully, I do not. I’m really talented at creating multiple unnecessary side projects for myself which are inadvisable to continue during school, and this blog is unquestionably one of them. Now that school is out, though, I’m sort of trying to get it back up and running again but who knows what will happen??? Children, this is a lesson that nothing, not even a scheduled post to the internet, is predictable.

So where did I go in the interim, you ask? Was I pushed by an unfathomably powerful force into a vortex? Well if the force is schoolwork and the vortex is Berkeley, then yes, that is exactly what happened. (Also, Berkeley is the nicest vortex I’ve ever encountered, though stress levels run uncommonly high.) Since taking the plunge into said vortex, some cool stuff has happened. My hair changed color twice, and as a result I accidentally dyed my entire body green and then pink. (Martian invader or extremely sunburnt, you can take your pick!) I tried my hand at a comedy magazine. Then on a whim one Sunday evening, I decided I would audition for an improv team for a better fit, and by some random stroke of luck I made the team. Auditioning for improv4charity was one of the best decisions I made all year because now, I can be a contributing member of society by getting up on stage and making a fool of myself. I think this is the first time I’ve done something charitable since I donated cans to a food drive in fourth grade when I was bribed by my superiors with the promise of pizza. Now to get me to do charity work you can bribe me with much more adult things like the promise of companionship or, at the very least, access to free alcohol. 

Of course, college is not just about debauchery. It is about debauchery and learning. My studies did occupy me, including the time I decided it would be easier to get up at 4 am to watch a lunar eclipse than it would be to try and count the number of visible stars in a patch of sky the size of a quarter, the time my building’s trash shoot caught fire and I was evacuated until 2:30 am the night before a midterm, and of course the time I tried and nearly succeeded to write a 12 page term paper the day it was due (I ended up with 10.5 pages). College has taught me that I can be stupid to a point, and knowing this is pretty darn comforting after spending the entirety of my life previous to college being responsible to a fault.

What’s my point here? Stay in school, don’t do drugs if you don’t want to, tie your shoe laces, laugh a lot, and don’t expect too much from anyone. We’re all human, we all screw up; the bumps keep us engaged.

Spy Adult

First grade was the year of butterfly shirts, a perpetually messy desk, and pipe dreams of being a Spy Kid. When I watched Spy Kids, as an impressionable six-year-old, I thought I had found my calling. I was wooed by the fast-paced lifestyle; I was enthralled by the karate, the gadgets, and the fact that Carmen's hair was constantly blowing in a mysterious and cinematically pleasing breeze. I spent countless hours playing spy with my friends, making up missions to complete and finding hidden clues in the ivy that grew on the chain-link fence. At home, I would bare my teeth in the mirror and practice punching and kicking towards my reflection. As the years passed and the rosy glow of elementary school dimmed, I realized that I should look elsewhere for a career. College, though, is all about exploring your options. So, while I explore the option of being an English major and making absolutely no money in the future, I feel like I might as well entertain the option of being a super spy once again. After all, I'm highly qualified.

  

Diplomacy is an essential spy skill. You have to pretend to like people even if you think they are really annoying. I already have a lot of practice with this skill in real life. I've dealt with so many obnoxious people that by now, I'm an expert.

Ingenuity comes in handy when you need to make up an excuse on the spot for why you were reading someone else's files with a flashlight at 2:03 am. I am a highly skilled excuse-maker in my current position as a student, because I regularly come up with elaborate stories to tell myself and others about why I'm looking at Tumblr instead of doing my homework.

My diverse interests will allow me to act like an elite member of society with some and like a not-so-elite member of society with others. I have an intimate knowledge of the High Renaissance in Italy (lookin' at you, Leonardo), as well as a very committed relationship with America's Next Top Model. 

As a Master of Disguise, I am capable of blending in with my surroundings. If you enjoyed the picture of a worm above, then you will probably be flabbergasted and impressed to learn that that worm is me. My identity has been revealed. 



After writing this all down, I've come to realize that I really am a perfect candidate for clandestine operations. CIA, NASA, FBI, Obama: hit me up. I promise, my lips are sealed!

Midterms

Hiding from homework doesn't actually make it go away but I recommend it anyway. Did you know homework can't find you if you hide in your bed and pull up the covers all the way? Thought I should let you know.

Most high schoolers enter college woefully uninformed about some key things: getting enough sleep, doing laundry, and, most importantly, taking midterms. Future freshmen, allow me to make something abundantly clear for you now, so that you won't have to go through the psychological trauma of discovering it later: the college midterm season is not a hellish week, or even two weeks, of stress and sleeplessness. No, midterm season is an academic behemoth that drags on from the last week of September through mid-November. I want you to imagine a common garden slug, slimy and shell-less and pathetic. Now, enlarge that slug in your head until it's the size of a German Shepard. That monstrosity of a slug is midterms, and it's about to slime all over your little collegiate existence. You're welcome.

To cope with the stress and emotional upheaval of midterm season, many students turn to ice cream, binge watching Netflix, and good ol' denial. The list below includes some of the many lies we tell ourselves during this time of year.

1. "When midterms are over, I'll finally be able to relax!"
     False: When midterms are over, you'll finally be studying for finals.
2. "I took the AP in high school, so I'm good."
     False: Contrary to what the College Board would like you to believe, APs are still high school classes.
3. "This midterm is just a test with an inflated ego. I don't need to study that hard."
     False: Study.
4. "I'm going to fail this midterm and I'm going to fail this class."
     False: Even though you majorly messed up on this midterm (two standard deviations away from the average? Really??), there's still another midterm and a final left. You'll probably be able to salvage your grade.
5. "I did not cry in the fetal position afterwards."
     False: We've all done it.
6. "The curve will save me."
     False: Probably not.
7. "I studied enough."
     False: Okay this is just a blatant lie and you know it. Watching American Horror Story is not constructive when you're preparing for an Anthro midterm.
8. "The ritual sacrifice I performed three days ago will save my grade."
     False: You really are desperate.
9. "That midterm was horrible. My life is over."
     False: Your life isn't over, but this list is.

How to College

I met every single one of these people during Welcome Week and I still eat breakfast alone. (Shout out to Trader Joe's for the awesome Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal).

Welcome to college. You're moved in, you've started classes, and you think you have some friends (I mean, you eat dinner with them and that's all that matters). If there's one thing you've done five hundred times, it's have the typical "Introductory Conversation." This involves being grilled by some incoming freshman who is probably feeling just as lost as your are, but who is trying to cover it up by shoving their intellectual diversity down your throat. If I had a dollar for every conversation that came to "So, what's your major?" within the first minute and a half, I could buy Chancellor Dirk's mansion. College is a place where people are always asking you what you do. It's like everyone is following these steps for conversation from the Basic College Handbook.

Step 1: Say your name.

Step 2: Ask for the other person's name. Promptly forget it.

Step 3: Ask them what they're majoring in.

Step 4: Nod numbly and act like you care.

Step 5: Scramble and question your life choices as you attempt to tell them what you plan to do with your sorry existence.

Step 6: Bury your humiliation by reminding yourself that they're tuning out the sound of your voice anyway.

Step 7: Try desperately to seem interesting.

Step 8: Fail.

Step 9: Rinse, repeat.

Step 10: Give up and go get ice cream.

If you can follow these steps, I can almost guarantee that you'll find someone to eat with on the first night. If you'd don't follow the steps, chances are you'll have some awkward conversations, but you might actually make friends, not just acquaintances.

Llama luv

Found llamas on the corner today after class. What can I say? I go to Berkeley.

Llamas actually make better friends than humans do. Here are some reasons why.

1) Llamas are the perfect cuddle buddies. They're soft, gentle, and you are unlikely to develop feelings for them. If you do develop feelings for your llama friend, you should probably seek the help of a trained professional, because that's a situation too messed up to let you friends deal with.
2) If you need to practice braiding someone's hair and your friends can't sit still (or you just don't have friends), a llama would probably let you braid its fur. Probably.
3) Llamas are vegetarian, so you don't have to be.
4) If you're late to class, your llama might give you a ride. Do you have a human friend that would give you a piggy-back ride cross-campus? Didn't think so.
5) Llamas are the ultimate statement accessory. Everyone will be dying to know why you thought it was a good idea to tie the llama's harness around your waist.
6) Llamas make the best wingmen: fluffy, cute, and they won't flirt with your person of interest.
7) Llamas won't throw off your girl-guy ratio.
8) Llamas are #organic.
9) If you're playing hide and seek with some of your human friends, you could hide in your llama's fur and not be found for days.

I'm sure there are other reasons but I'm pretty tired and can't think of them right now so if you befriend a llama please let me know what I missed.



10) Everyone will be wondering why the hell you brought a llama to a party.