Friday, July 10, 2015

It Ain't So Bad Being Amish

How can you raise the roof if you’ve never raised a barn?  This is what I ask people when they ask me if it’s boring to be Amish. Of course it’s not boring. Have you ever spent an entire day trying to stay in God’s good books? Well maybe you should try it sometime. If you don’t, you’re probably going to hell, where you’ll spend eternity writhing in flames while little dudes with horns and ridiculous sunburns watch you and laugh. That is some next level shit. So to escape the eternal hellfire, I’ve turned to the ways of the Old Dutch Anabaptists. And let me just tell you, it ain’t so bad being Amish.
First off, let’s get this one thing straight. We were way ahead of the curve on the organic and farm-to-table movements. Same goes for beards, and the entire hand-crafted-everything movement. Basically, we were Williamsburg when Williamsburg was still a bunch of farmers living in New Netherland. So when your mister tells you that he’s into rustic hand-hewn furniture, ask him if he also drives a buggy and reads scriptures by candle light in the house he built with his own two hands. If he answers yes to all of these, there’s a good chance he’s Amish and a great chance he’s a keeper.
Some people ask me if it was tough to give up Forever 21 and jeans for pinafores and aprons. To that I say no. At least now that I’m covered from mid-neck to ankle, I won’t have to worry about skin cancer. Plus, I was always big fan of bonnets. And true, it’s been a long while since I’ve spritzed myself with Victoria’s Secret Pure Seduction Body Mist, but on the up side, I’ve always loved the stench of livestock and body odor smells awesome to me now, like those artisanal musky perfumes that mostly just smell  like an old man’s skin flaps.
To say that the Amish are behind the times and don’t know what’s going on is just untrue. I get all my news in a timely manner from Hiwwe wie Driwwe. And if you think it’s got an unpronounceable title, that’s because it’s in Pennsylvanian German, you uncultured swine. Now please tell me how I’m supposed to say Reddit or Imgur without sounding like an idiot bullfrog. It is true that the word of God has commanded us to shun modern technology, but that’s fine. No TV means no chance of Bachelorette spoilers. The only story we care about ends with a dude being crucified and then coming back to life, and someone spilled the beans on that two-part season finale when togas were still cool. Besides, we’ve managed to capitalize on the tawdry circus that is reality TV just as much as the next group of social outcasts. I mean, just because God told us to live the simple life doesn’t mean we have to bow out on a chance to capitalize on the general American population’s insatiable thirst for exploitative drivel.

So would I call myself Amish? You betcha. I’d even go as far as to say Am-100%.

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