Thursday, July 16, 2015

Here to Help

Hey, there! It’s me, your favorite Microsoft product. C’mon, don’t look at me like that! With this twisty aluminum body and bulging eyes, who could forget me? And who could forget that wild night we spent on May 13th, 2004. That was crazy! Remember when you tried to close your document without saving? Remember when I auto saved it for you at 9:43:12 PM, and an again at 9:43:48 PM after you realized you had forgotten to include your name and the date? Remember when I offered to help you write that letter and you told me to never offer you help again? Well, I remember. I have good news and bad news. The good news? Someone screwed up on Windows 10 and I’m here to help you again! The bad news? You’re still a terrible writer and your third grade teacher was right, your trouble playing with others has led to a lonely adulthood. Luckily I’m here to offer you moral support along with the constant nagging you never knew due to your mother’s absence during your childhood. Welcome to the new age of technology. Here are some things I’m now equipped to help you with.
  • Your letter. (Old habits die hard.)
  • Your covenant with the devil.
  • Your other covenant with E. L. James.
  •  Your 50 Shades fanfic.   
  • Your shitty personality.
  • Your divorce settlement.
  • Your salty emails to your salty ex.
  • Your vision of a future without me.
  • Your opinions of paper clips, animated or otherwise.
  • Your grammar. (“Your an asswipe Clippy” is clearly wrong. I believe you meant “You’re an asswipe, Clippy.”)

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