How to College

I met every single one of these people during Welcome Week and I still eat breakfast alone. (Shout out to Trader Joe's for the awesome Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal).

Welcome to college. You're moved in, you've started classes, and you think you have some friends (I mean, you eat dinner with them and that's all that matters). If there's one thing you've done five hundred times, it's have the typical "Introductory Conversation." This involves being grilled by some incoming freshman who is probably feeling just as lost as your are, but who is trying to cover it up by shoving their intellectual diversity down your throat. If I had a dollar for every conversation that came to "So, what's your major?" within the first minute and a half, I could buy Chancellor Dirk's mansion. College is a place where people are always asking you what you do. It's like everyone is following these steps for conversation from the Basic College Handbook.

Step 1: Say your name.

Step 2: Ask for the other person's name. Promptly forget it.

Step 3: Ask them what they're majoring in.

Step 4: Nod numbly and act like you care.

Step 5: Scramble and question your life choices as you attempt to tell them what you plan to do with your sorry existence.

Step 6: Bury your humiliation by reminding yourself that they're tuning out the sound of your voice anyway.

Step 7: Try desperately to seem interesting.

Step 8: Fail.

Step 9: Rinse, repeat.

Step 10: Give up and go get ice cream.

If you can follow these steps, I can almost guarantee that you'll find someone to eat with on the first night. If you'd don't follow the steps, chances are you'll have some awkward conversations, but you might actually make friends, not just acquaintances.